Oh shit... It's Valentine's Day and I forgot to get a girlfriend again.
My heart sank. I couldn't believe it. Had it really been an entire year since the last time I got a Valentine's Day card from my mom? My God, it had. But according to the Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen calendar hanging on my bedroom wall, V-Day wasn't until Saturday, so I still had a couple days to find a date.
Or, rather, I thought I did until I tore my eyes away from the sweet, angelic beauty that is the Olsen Twins just long enough to notice the digits 2-0-0-4 tucked away on the far side of the calendar, right after the word February (and the Real Calendars for Real Girls insignia). My heart sank. I couldn't believe it. Had it really been two years since I bought that calendar at Target for five dollars, brought it home, wrapped it up, and put it under the Christmas tree with a "TO BRIAN LOVE SANTA" tag on it before immediately ripping it open and feigning genuine surprise while gushing, "This is exactly what I wanted!"?
My God, it had.
And now, thanks to a loving mother and an outdated wall calendar, I suddenly found myself contemplating the fact that I was old and alone. I tried to remember the last time I had a date for Valentine's, but I was drawing a blank. There was one Valentine's Day, a few years ago, where I distinctly remember calling a girl who looked exactly like P!nk, but I'm not sure if that, technically, constitutes as a date or not because a) it was 11:00pm when I called her, and b) she didn't answer the phone.
Anyway, back to the card from my mom. Here's what the inside said:
And then, right after that, my mom had added a hand-written parenthetical note: and I only mean 'special' in the best possible way!
Happy Valentine's Day, everybody! I hope you're not retarded and that somebody loves you!