Me: So how was your weekend?
Joe: Dude I almost had a threesome!
Me: Whaaa?! Get outta here. What happened?
Joe: I was at this crazy party and this one chick was totally drunk and hanging all over me. Then she introduced me to her boyfriend and then all sly like, she was like how 'bout the three of us go into the bedroom and play for a little while.
Me: Homie...that is not a threesome. That's, that's just two bolts trying to use the same nut.
Joe: Wait, what?
[My call waiting was going off, but I ignored it because I had to make a point]
Me: What I'm trying to say is that a threesome is two girls and one guy. No exceptions. The situation you "almost" found yourself in was not a threesome my friend. Not by a long shot.
Joe: Bullshit, a threesome is three people getting it on.
Me: Or is it?
We argued at length about this, but didn't really get anywhere. The person who had called me during our conversation had left a message and so I ended the conversation with Joe and checked my voice mail:
"Heyyy Brian, it's Sonia. I'm with Peter and we have a 'proposition' for you...so give me a call on Peter's cell phone ASAP. Okay. Bye..."
Ho-ly shit! I mean could this? I mean was this? I mean what if? What the fuck? I try not to read into things too much, but this could've only been one thing right? It was crazy though. Here I was just talking about threesomes and what not, and now I'm being invited to join one? What an amazing coincidence.
Or was it?
I waited about 20 minutes, 'cause I didn't want to seem anxious, then I called Sonia back on Peter's cell phone:
Brian: Hey, it's Brian. Put Sonia on the phone.
Peter: Yeah, hold on.
Sonia: Hey Brian.
Brian: (very casually) Hey, what's up?
Sonia: Peter and I are just driving around looking at apartments and we were just wondering if maybe you would go in on one with us so that we could get a really nice place.
So children, the moral of this story is that Sonia and Peter were not calling to ask me if I wanted to partake in a threesome because they, unlike our good friend Joe, know that two guys and a girl is not a threesome at all. Not by a long shot.
For all you math majors out there:
Penis + Vagina^2 = Threesome
Vagina + Penis^2 = Pseudo-Threesome
P.S. If you're a girl, and you disagree with the moral of this story, please do me a favor and keep it to yourself. Thanks a bunch.