Thomas Big Pine (elhoserboy) wrote,
Thomas Big Pine
elhoserboy

I Love You(r Money)!

No doubt, FOX has potentially created the greatest television show ever, but I have to pose the question: Who wants to be a Joe Millionaire?

I don't.

I can totally relate to what he's going through, though. Recently, I too, have found myself in the unenviable position of trying to determine if the multitude of female attention I've been getting is genuine or not. I mean, do these girls like me for who I am, or are they just in love with the fact that I can't pay my bills or afford to feed myself?

In joking about my current love-life, I'm reminded of an apt story from the past:

I was talking to a girl one time at a party and the conversation wasn't going all that well. She didn't seem interested in anything I had to say and was answering all my questions in a monosyllabic fashion. During a break in our exchange, she asked me what kind of car I drove. I told her that I drove a Toyota 4-Runner. Her eyes lit up a little and she asked further, "What year is it?" When I told her that it was a 1998, she threw her arms around me, hugged me tightly, and said, "Oh! That's my favorite car!" Then, pulling me in closer, she looked up into my eyes and said, "I love you!"

Of course she didn't really love me love me, but her initiation of physical contact upon learning that I drove a particular kind of vehicle (and her excessive imbibing before we kissed) left a bad taste in my mouth.

Speaking from my current state of destitution, I'd like to declare, for the record, that the following has never happened to me:

Girl: What do you do?
Me: If you mean job-wise, I'm unemployed. If you mean, my life, then, uh... nothing really.
Girl: I love you!

or this:

Girl: What's with the beard?
Me: Oh, I hate shaving.
Girl: So do I!
Me: Really? I haven't had a hair-cut in like a year either...
Girl: I love you!

So this is what I propose:

A new reality T.V. show, starring yours truly, entitled "Joe Nobody". You see, the thing that always bothered me about "The Bachelor" (Season 2) was that the guy was great-looking and made a ton of money. How can you not fall in love with someone whose father flies you to the familial palace in a private plane and let's you sip wine in the back of his yacht while he cruises a beautiful lake--all before you even see the Bachelor's own gorgeous living space, conveniently situated above his magnificent dream-in-progress, "Trolleys".

Shit, I fell in love with the guy.

Anyway, "Joe Nobody" will have none of that. What you see is what you get. I'm jobless and penniless, unkempt and unshaved, skinny and starving, etc. I might have potential, but I certainly haven't converted it into anything concrete thus far. The only thing the women will have to go on would be a little thing called "conversation"--something that I feel is sorely lacking in both "The Bachelor" and "Joe Millionaire". On each "date" I will take one woman some place that doesn't cost any money. We'll walk across the Golden Gate Bridge, sit on a blanket in the park, or watch the waves crash at the beach. And we'll talk. We'll talk about our hopes and dreams, our worries and fears; God, religion, life, love, happiness, people, places, and things.

At the end of each show, I will present the women that I am still interested in with a simple invitation to spend some more time with me--no roses and definitely no jewelry. They will be free to accept or decline my offer and by the end of the series, theoretically, I will have found an amazing woman who, in turn, finds me amazing as well. Then, secure in the knowledge that I have truly found a woman who loves me for who I am, I will be free to improve my image, take a good job, make a lot of money and realize my full potential.

* * * * *

I once knew an indescribably beautiful and inordinately talented girl. She dated a stereotypical fat-job-having, expensive-car-driving, stylish-clothes-wearing, good-looking, a-one asshole. She confessed to me that, "I know he's not everything I want in a guy, but... nobody's perfect."

Well, I'm nobody...

"Joe Nobody" - Premiering this fall on whatever channel will have me.
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  • New Year's Resolutions

    1. Start writing again. 2. Decrease my refractory period.

  • This is pretty embarrassing...

    From: Netflix <netflix@email.netflix.com> To: elhoserboy@livejournal.com Sent: Thu, November 11, 2010 10:14:23 AM Subject: How was the…

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    Last night I dreamt I was attending the premiere of a film I had written and directed. I stepped out of the limo and onto the red carpet and people…