I have no money. I have no income. Bank of America is threatening "legal action" and I can only surmise that my other creditors will soon follow suit. I am, in a word pulled straight from my online moniker, hosed.
I have often admitted that if I didn't laugh at the tragedy that is my life, I would have no choice but to cry. Well, I'm not laughing anymore. I have to face facts. I've got to figure out what to do next.
I've narrowed it down to a few options:
|Become a Male Prostitute
It is written somewhere (the Bible, I think) that sex and money are all you need to live a happy and fulfilling life. Becoming a male prostitute, it would seem, is the answer to all my problems. But then I remembered two other things from the Bible:
1) Women don't need to pay for sex
2) The clients of a male prostitute are, more often than not, male
Still, it would be a quick and easy way to make money, which is why it didn't surprise me when two different family members recently asked me on two different occasions if I've begun, "chugging cock for spare change." No. I haven't. But I did look into it.
Long story short, I live in San Francisco. Guys here "chug cock" for free.
|Live on the Streets
My hair is unkempt, my beard is unruly. I have worn the same blue jeans and gray sweatshirt for over two weeks now. People have called me a "bum" and I've been told more than a few times to "get a life" or "get a job." Perhaps I was born for life on the street.
Judging by the amount of vagrants I see on a daily basis, I've concluded that San Francisco is quite hospitable to homeless people--so I've got that going for me. There's also the romanticized image of the hobo and his stick thing, onto which a red kerchief with white polka dots is tied, within which all his worldly possessions are contained. Just thinking about it makes me want to hop a freight train...
Yeah, I think I could do the whole homeless thing, though I do foresee a couple of potential snags in getting acclimated to a more indigent lifestyle than I currently lead. First of all, aside from the obvious cleansing aspect, I really enjoy taking showers. Secondly, I have a very discriminating palate--my brother says I'm just a "picky bitch"--regardless, I think I'd starve to death before eating out of trashcan.
|Win the California Lottery
My trials and tribulations with the California Lottery have been documented before, but I still consider it an option because of a recent event:
The California Lottery's slogan is, "It could happen to you." A banner with these words hangs in the window of the liquor store where I buy my tickets. Yesterday, as I was driving by, I could have sworn that the sign read, "It could happen to me." Upon further inspection, I discovered that the word I read as me was actually you, like always, which leads me to believe that I witnessed a sign from God that only I could see; kinda like "Moonlight Graham" flashing on the scoreboard in "Field of Dreams". If it's God plan for me to win the lottery, I'll accept. Begrudgingly and humbly, of course.
One last thing to note is that every lottery winner to date has held a press conference and said something stupid that makes everyone hate them and wish that more lotteries were won by people "who deserve it." My press conference would be no exception. I'd get up there, with my ten pounds of hair and aviator glasses and say something like, "Well, I was gonna like, cut my hair and stuff so I could like, get a job... But yeah, I guess I'm not gonna do that anymore..."
|Join the U.S. Army
I was patriotic before it was cool and have always regretted never serving my country. I'm also a pretty good guy who wouldn't mind ridding the world of some "evildoers." I also wouldn't mind having free room and board...
The only problem I see is that, at my core, I'm an obstinate child--emphasis on the obstinate and child parts. I also have problems with authority figures and don't like being told what to do. However, I have been interested, for some time now, in finally being all I can be.
The U.S. Army would definitely make me cut my beautiful hair and shave my gorgeous beard though, and I don't know, I'm just speculating here, but something tells me that might take all the fun out of kicking someone's ass who "hates our freedoms."
|Get a Job... Any Job
I've saved the most horrifying and, unfortunately for me, most likely option for last. Recently I've been hearing things like, "You know, Starbucks pays $9/hour, plus benefits!" and "You're a fairly smart guy... I bet you'd only have to work six months at Taco Bell before they'd make you an 'Assistant Manager, In Training'."
I want to scream at these people, "I used to make sixty grand! I used to travel the world! I was a software engineer. I'm intelligent...even if I don't have a degree to prove it." And then it hits me and I realize for the first time, that I'm not going to be able to get a job like the one I previously held. Time has run out anyway. I just need a job. Any job.
I love Jamba Juice, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't love working there. The one I usually go to has this ancient guy manning the blenders. Maybe he's a retired millionaire and he's just making smoothies for people because it's fun, but somehow I doubt it. I don't ever want to be that guy, but something tells me that if I take a menial job now, twenty-five years down the road, that's exactly who I'll be.
I would only willingly accept any one of these options out of pure desperation. As they say, desperate times call for desperate measures. Well, these are desperate times.
My live journal bio simply states that, "I am unemployed, uneducated, unshaved, and unmotivated to do anything about it." Well folks, I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, I am motivated.
Yeah, I am dammit! My call to action is now! What I decide to do today will alter my life's path, for better or worse, tomorrow. I'm going to grab the world by its figurative testicles and seize the day, or my name's not Thomas Big Pine!
And it isn't...