I received an envelope in the mail today with my parents' return address on it. Inside the envelope was a card. On the front of the card were the words, "You're Special!" surrounded by a large red border. There were little colored hearts all over it and all I could think was:
Oh shit... It's Valentine's Day and I forgot to get a girlfriend again.
My heart sank. I couldn't believe it. Had it really been an entire year
since the last time I got a Valentine's Day card from my mom? My God, it had. But according to the Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen calendar hanging on my bedroom wall, V-Day wasn't until Saturday, so I still had a couple days to find a date.
Or, rather, I thought I did until I tore my eyes away from the sweet, angelic beauty that is the Olsen Twins just long enough to notice the digits 2-0-0-4
tucked away on the far side of the calendar, right after the word February (and the Real Calendars for Real Girls
insignia). My heart sank. I couldn't believe it. Had it really been two years
since I bought that calendar at Target for five dollars, brought it home, wrapped it up, and put it under the Christmas tree with a "TO BRIAN LOVE SANTA
" tag on it before immediately ripping it open and feigning genuine surprise while gushing, "This is exact
ly what I wanted!"?
My God, it had.
And now, thanks to a loving mother and an outdated wall calendar, I suddenly found myself contemplating the fact that I was old and alone. I tried to remember the last time I had a date for Valentine's, but I was drawing a blank. There was one Valentine's Day, a few years ago, where I distinctly remember calling a girl who looked exactly like P!nk
, but I'm not sure if that, technically, constitutes as a date or not because a) it was 11:00pm when I called her, and b) she didn't answer the phone.
Anyway, back to the card from my mom. Here's what the inside said:
This Valentine just seemed to be
The best for you by far,
Because it says "You're Special,"
And that's just what you are!
And then, right after that, my mom had added a hand-written parenthetical note: and I only mean 'special' in the best possible way!
Happy Valentine's Day, everybody! I hope you're not retarded and that somebody loves you!
Don't be silly! You can BOTH be my Valentine!